been awhile

well if a blog could talk, this one would say, "oh, there you are!  i thought you'd forgotten all about me."  but that's nonsense because i haven't forgotten all about this little blog.

the fact is, i'm not sure what to do with this here blog and that's been on my mind over the past few months.  i'm a bit confused all of a sudden as to why this blog is out there in the world of everything cyber and not down in some worn pages tucked inside a good-loved journal. so i've been asking myself that question:  why, blog?  why do this THIS way?

it all started out to write down these memories of our children as we observe how they grow and change.  i want to have proof that time didn't just up and run away with their childhoods.  i want to unpack the challenges of motherhood in words.  i want to find myself and write about how i am changing in this uncertain, yet beautiful season of young motherhood. i want to remember them and the ordinary days of their childhood.  i want them to (possibly) read these sentiments as adults and learn about me as their mother and me as a person and how i saw them.  because not only do i remark on their lives, i discover more about myself.  i vent.  i'm emotional.  i am {real}.

but does everyone need to know this?  is it best just left unseen?

for quite some time, i had been thinking about how to make this wee blog into something bigger.  grander.  attractive.  time consuming.  i wanted to be on the big stage of blogs, because of course, there aren't enough blogs out there for people to read...  (ha!)  but i'm not sure of all that now.  i'm not the next anne lamott--whom i love (that takes a lot of miraculous-ordinary living and maturity).  i like writing and experimenting with our words and discovering these precious ones of mine through prose.  and i would imagine that others liked that too.  that it would be heavy-traffic-worthy stuff.  but it's not.  and that's okay.  i don't want to promote.  what i feel is very personal and really only applicable to such a small group of us, and it's probably not very interesting to most.

but to write often is a good exercise  and perhaps the motivation comes from knowing that i'm writing in this forum and it does feel kind of good hitting that "publish" button as opposed to just closing the hard, dulled cover of a journal.  it's in a way, accountability. it's in a way, allowing myself to be exposed and to be known; even if just in these "pages".  it's uninhibited self-love and self-discovery.  it's allowing me to see my children and think about them in words.

if you blog, have you had these similar wonderings?  how have you motivated yourself to continue?  do you strive for recognition?