a lot of

there has been a lot of yelling.  hurtful yelling.

the kind of yelling that's done to break a person.  what makes it abhorrent, is that the person i want to break is only three and she's my own.  she had every reason to keep crying while her mother yelled at her to stop crying.

can you believe this shit?  i'm yelling at my daughter to stop crying which of course creates this maelstrom of sobs and cheddar bunny cracker crumbs; all the while my face gets meaner and my eyes get sharper.  and on top of all of that, there's this sourness in my heart feeling this awful hurt i'm causing and this voice in my head saying, "just stop it all ready!"

i can't be alone.  there has got to be another parent out there who can nod their head, bite the inside of their bottom lip and swallow hard at the awfulness of what we've done.

and yet, in the 5 seconds I stole after things settled-down, while they ate the cheddar bunnies; I sobbed quickly and decided to seek forgiveness.  because i was repenting and being forgiven by my Father, i needed to tell both of my children (the one who witnessed it and the one who was afflicted) how much i wished I'd been better, or at least left the room to go and be horrible all by myself.

in their fashion, an apology for me turned into "tackle mommy now!" time.  but at least we were touching and we were laughing.  so sometimes forgiveness is radical and soul-cleansing.  but on the days when i feel like a screw-up mom and ask for a bit of forgiveness from my children, forgiveness washes over me by way of tummy raspberries, silly 'birthday' spankings, tickle fights and kisses from these little ones.  this forgiveness: spiritual. this is forgiveness at its humblest, simplest form.  a lot of forgiveness should be this way.