The Reason Why

i've been trying to figure out how to put into words, to find the exact reason as to why we've decided that two children is completely perfect for our family. and i can't. exactly. the other day, in a small group of women i've known for a few years now, i told my friend that she is welcome to use the boy name that we had reserved had one of our children been male (it was miles incase you were wondering, probably miles luther collier to be specific). to which the conclusion one made allowed was, "oh, so you're done having kids?" yes. [a sort of awkward silence followed.]

and although i know ben and i are pretty confident we will not expand our family, it made me feel like, "what, am i supposed to have more?" but of course i'm sure i was reading into that. it's actually pretty normal to have 2 kids these days. and we love our kids! we've reached a place of perfection, actually. audrey came along and BAM!, our family is now complete. there is a thought in my head that i sometimes acknowledge, but also dismiss because i'm not entirely sure it will come to be true. and this thought is, "will i someday long to have a third child? will i be so deeply saddened to not have an infant anymore or to experience pregnancy again, that i will desire to get pregnant?" and perhaps i will come around to those questions when audrey is older. but then again, i might not. i have already (and will continue to do so), marked these milestones with audrey as she progresses through babyhood as some of the last i will experience. and there's a bit of sad-oddness with that, i will admit. but then i also think, there is so much more ahead--some really great stuff.

and if i could really pin-point our (well, i guess i'll speak for myself here even though ben and i share these similar feelings and thoughts) reason as to why we find completeness in having 2 kids, it might be these two reasons:

1. coming both from large families, we know what it's like to grow up in that environment. there's no doubt that we have so many fond memories of having so many siblings. and we wouldn't have wanted it any other way (like we had a choice--haha). but now we're on the end of that, as the parents, making the decision of how many kids we want in our family. and so we can also recall some things we missed out on because there were more than 2 kids in our family... perhaps in a smaller family, the richness and deepness between those in that family are greater. fuller. and we really hope and want that in our little tribe. we want one-on-one times together with our girls. we want our girls to know us and for us to know them. and we pray that over this family. and of course there's the more obvious things we "missed out on" being from a larger family--opportunities. more specifically the cost of experiences. in no way do i think that i was gipped because our family had limited resources and had to spread them out between 5 kids. please don't misunderstand me here. i was never in want. i felt like i had enough. but of course we didn't take luxury trips. might have been because my dad wasn't a fan, but we didn't go to disney land/world. we didn't travel overseas together. we didn't have sunday lunches out. and i'm not sure i'll want to even do those things with my kids, but i guess i want to have the option to. you're able to have a different lifestyle with fewer kids. that's just pure economics. not saying that we'll be well-off, but doing the math, it will probably cost less feeding 2 kids opposed to 5; so going out to eat might happen a bit more often. it will probably make sense to save for 2 kids at the same time instead of paying for the first kid to go to college and by the third kid ya realize that, "heck, i can't keep doing this or i'll end up in the poor house." and so maybe you stop and tell them to foot the bill. all of which is perfectly fine and makes sense. but maybe we have other ideas--ideas that work for 2 kids. and i'm not trying to put a positive spin on having fewer kids and a negative spin on have many kids. everyone is allowed to make their own choices, and how many kids you want is one of those choices you are allowed to make--without criticism!

2. and perhaps the most obvious one for me right now: tiredness! i'm just plain tired. this parenting thing is difficult. i look forward to the day when i can say, "i loved [to have] parented" (completely horrible grammar). but the point is, one day it is refreshing to think, these kids will be on their own. that the nitty-gritty part of parenting will be finished (being a parent never ends, i know and appreciate). but taking care of, loving someone 24/7 about wipe a person out. and that's the beauty and the beast of it, right?! but i'm not my finest when i'm tired. heck, i'll say it for us both. we are not our best when we are tired. and we're tired a lot these days. sure we try and we're doing a great job of it cause these are some pretty special kids we are raising. we get to start each day with them and have them in our lives forever. that's well worth the tiredness. but since i have a choice, knowing that year by year i will probably get more sleep and be able to manage more independent children, why not start on that path now. instead of looking forward to having another baby to start they cycle of sleeplessness, i think i'll choose to keep moving forward. cherishing these moments, but knowing that i'm closing the babystage soon, is kind of exciting to me. ben and i feel like babyhood is not our favorite stage. of course there are so many beautiful, unforgettable moments in this stage that we truly value. but i kind of like the kid stage. which can be tiring in a whole other way i'm sure.

so that's my two cents on why 2 kids is the bees-knees for me. i'm very blessed to have been given two girls. ben and i sincerely wanted girls and we got the best of 'em! and to this, our family of four is complete. completely wonderful!