Salt Water

lately, before i fall asleep at night, i see myself just in the open sea water.  just bobbing there.  able to see land and see people, my children mostly, laughing.  and i'm fine, but just drifting a bit further away in the soft calm waves.  it's like i'm in this mock sea, and there aren't any real threats of sharks or violent whirlpools or waves.  in fact there is a plexiglass backing to this sea.  where it actually prevents me from going out into oblivion.  i kind of rest in this floating upright position and seem okay.  just void of much emotion.  lonely and silent.  and it seems like such a trite, over-done picture--to see oneself floating in water, aware but not really present.  so maybe my feelings, my vision, is quite ordinary and mundane.

i can't bring myself to completing the post i wanted to put up here marking the one month since we've moved.  i wanted to say something about looking back and remembering those last few days and hours before we left our home in pittsburgh.  but really all that, all of those written paragraphs, were just a way of me trying to say how sad i am.  but with a lot more imagery.

homesick.  what exactly does it mean to be homesick?

ben says he doesn't have time to feel much sadness or homesickness.

that, like many of the emotions, rests on my shoulders.  and i feel the full weight of it all.

i'm sure that this will pass.  it will.  we'll find a life rhythm here.

and everything that i'm feeling and "going through" is normal; is okay.  and i'll fight it:  not wanting to really move on and into the present.  and then one day i'll look back and think about how rough that first part of the resettling was.  i'm sure.

but i'm lonely and sad.  and i really do just want to stay in that.  with the little bit of energy i'm left with at the end of the day, i don't want to waste it on trying to make new friends or learn a new city.  i just want to be here, bobbing in the salty water.  being a less that great mom and detached spouse.

i know how hard it was to move from wisconsin out to pittsburgh.  and ben told me the other day that i'm taking this change much better.  that it was probably a year of homesick with our move to pa.  oy vey.  a year huh?  i don't remember that.

and that's how i'll leave this post.  unkept and exposed.