down in the pit

the moment you start crying in front of your girls because you feel like a failure of a mom (and angrily slapped your toddlers hand for yet again pulling her sister's hair) and they start hugging you through their tears and handing you tissues for your tears and then it becomes a game and then we all start laughing together and then you start crying again because you realize how much these kids mean to you.  yeah, that.  

but even this morning, i needed extra prayer--in fact, maybe the only time i "prayed myself out of bed"--to get up and moving.  it went like this:

Jesus, fill my heart with your love
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me

there have been deep things brewing in my heart, rising to the surface, wanting God to shine light upon them.  hey, lisa, you have these things in your heart that need to be given thought and attention to:  you're lonely and weak.  you're empty and sad.

despite taking my morning happy pill (aka antidepressant), i've still been under a cloud of depression and this morning, that cloud sank even lower until it was smothering my skin and making it hard to breathe.  and so it rained.  

i realized that i'm pretty alone in this mothering thing.  not because ben is off doing his own thing (no, i feel his support), but i miss being with other mothers and sharing motherhood.  i miss praying with other mamas.  i'm empty spiritually and feel my shameful distance from God; rarely praying or His truth.  and so the lies come.  slowly.  and subtly.  and then painfully and harshly.  

reading through this book, "desperate:  hope for the mother who needs to breathe," i'm recognizing these needs and seeing these lies for what they are.  but more importantly, i'm becoming motivated and choosing not to sit in this wasteland.  i went to our church's mom2mom meeting yesterday and we will be grouped up with a mentor-mom over the year.  the speaker was so encouraging and i was being fed truth!  God is good.  but i chose to go.  and i'm going to choose to do something else:  ask some women in my compound to pray together.  i'm hopeful and think this is something God has placed on my heart.  a sweet friend in pittsburgh was brave enough to follow God's lead in her life and she started a mum's prayer group that was so powerful and life-giving.  may that continue with and through me.

and my dear children, it is only with God's strength and the friendships he gives and the relationship with your dad, that i am able to be a good mother.  i want to love you intensely, authentically and to be with you intentionally.